I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
This toilet bowl is my home.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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