My balls are so social today.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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