I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
