Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Rumble strips road head = magical
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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