dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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