Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
