just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
