You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
