At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
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