Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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