why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
