Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
