oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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