remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
