My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
