Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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