I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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