every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
