so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I looked at my own cervix.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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