i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
