Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
