I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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