update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
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He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
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This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad