don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET