so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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