Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
two words: eviction party
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
