I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
