I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Randomize
