You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I've blown a few things in my day
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
