ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Two words: nipple clamps
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