apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
