So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
