Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize