mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
