8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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