I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.