I just pynch a tree in the face
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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