So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
