dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
