Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I came so hard my ears popped.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
