I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
