Old men and throwing up are my life now.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Everyone says I win the strip club
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
