piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
