I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
