omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
