i just google imaged poop.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize