I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
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