It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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