Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
