These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
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Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
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I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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