first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
