I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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