I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
