i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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