Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
